Drifting
As a teen I was fortunate enough to be gifted a computer for Christmas. A computer, all to myself! I spent so many nights on it, chatting with strangers on Yahoo Messenger, hacking Pokémon sprites together, playing Neopets, surfing the web...and also downloading and playing the soundtracks from some of my favorite games.
One of those soundtracks was from Final Fantasy VIII, which...I wouldn't call it my favorite of the PS1 Final Fantasy entries, but the music was too good to ignore. And of all the songs on the soundtrack, my go-to was always Drifting.
Here's a link to it on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Phhj1WreCvU
Listening to this song reminds me of Squall and Rinoa as they drift in space, trying to reach each other before they perish in the unforgiving world between worlds. It reminds me of the nights when I couldn't sleep, when I would put this song on repeat until the morning, the nights when I asked God to take my life and stopped believing because he wouldn't do it. I wanted to drift away into endlessness, where it wouldn't matter anymore if I was lonely or misunderstood, where there were no more expectations of perfection from me. I could just.
Drift away.
I think I've been struggling for a while. I'm not at my lowest; I know that for certain. But I can feel the things I care about slipping out of my grasp, drifting away from me in the void. I feel my desire to be present drifting away from me. I'm so tired. I'm so tired all of the time. I wish I could drift away into the stars, where there's no such thing as pain or bills or hopelessness or...
It feels weird to be back here. Back in the world between worlds, wishing I could be stardust again. Wishing I were drifting again.